(Part Four) Diary entry – January 5, 2009

I love San Diego! I love it here so much. Everyday I wake up and am excited to jump out of bed. I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Why would anyone want to live someplace else? What with the snow, cold weather, rain, and just all around awful gloominess?

It has been a year since I graduated college. Many of my friends have moved on to new places, new lives. My parents have even encouraged me to branch out and try someplace new. But everywhere else in my mind seems second rate.

Moving to San Diego was a smart move. I couldn’t just sit in my parents’ house applying to jobs and never seeing anyone. It felt like a failure. I needed a change. Something to shake me out of the rut. And now here I am! It feels good to be in a new city but I still am not sure what I’m going to do. Trying to find a job here is almost as hard as trying to find one back home. I just sit here staring at my computer screen browsing job posting after job posting! Does anyone else feel this hopeless….?

I don’t want to move again but I’m not sure what to do. If it doesn’t work out here where will it!?

A few years back I visited friends in New York City. It was loud and bright, everything that people always say New York is. People were dressed in crazy, colorful outfits and street performers of every shape, size, and act littered the streets. But despite its glamor and flashiness, it was still too loud and too crowded. The air felt like a film of stink and the streets were not just littered with performers – trash! Stinky, sticky, yucky trash everywhere. Weird green puddles would pop up randomly. I almost gagged when I saw a dog stop to drink from a puddle and then proceeded to kiss its owner’s face. But it would have jobs. If not there than I’m screwed right?

But here, omg it’s so different. When I wake up, the air smells crisp and warm at the same time. It’s clean. And every morning is beautiful, regardless of the time of year. Seasons? What seasons. Lol. When the sun streaks through my blinds, I can feel the rays dance along my skin. They beckon me. “Come outside. Come outside and play.” Even if I could sleep in, why in hell would I want to. As soon as I feel those rays and get a sniff of the ocean air, my entire body is shocked awake. My feet start to itch for the familiar feel of the road and dirt paths. I want to get up and go outside. While others may want to hide under their bed covers, away from the world, I just want to be in it, all the time.

I remember being a kid, inhaling my morning cereal and nearly choking down my glass of orange juice, I couldn’t wait to get outside and play I was so excited. Because I was clumsy, I would usually ran smack into the door jam. Bam! Johnny would laugh out loud. “Have a nice trip Kat?!” He was this snotty kid who lived next door to me growing up. Totally stalked me. He would be waiting for me to come outside most mornings and sometimes he would have a pocket full of skittles or a piece of a butterfinger to entice me. I love butterfingers. I would scowl and pretend I didn’t want him around. Typical kid stuff. But we always would spend the day together.

He always had something sticky on his face or hands. Or both. His shirt was never clean. He was so gross. But he was fun and we would have the best time together.

Sometimes I miss him. I get so lonely that I would give anything to see that sticky, familiar face right now.

It’s been hard trying to make friends. I really don’t know too many people here. I could try and join some kind of sports league. Maybe a running group. Idk. Really I just don’t have the motivation. Am I depressed? Am I just lonely? I don’t really have anything to really do right now I love San Diego, I really do. It’s such a happy, beautiful place. But what if I can’t find a job here!? What am I supposed to do??